I hear from a lot of parents that they’re not quite sure what the difference is between boundaries and threats.
Let’s dive right in and talk through some of those differences now.
Threats.
Threats are an expression of your anger, your frustration, your overwhelm, or even your embarrassment.
They’re oftentimes an impulsive and reactive response when you feel you have no other option, you feel backed into a corner, or you’re not sure how else to get your child to comply.
Threats are often used when you are feeling out of control and are desperately trying to regain control of the situation.
Threats typically lack guidance and mentorship. They often come with punishments and in the moment unrelated consequences.
Threats can certainly get your child to comply in the moment, but are not ideal for long-term skill growth and regulation development.
If you don’t stop that right now, then no ice cream later!
How many times have I told you! That’s it! I’m throwing all your toys away!
If I see you two fighting one more time, we’re never coming here again!
Stop! Enough! I’m never buying you anything again!
If any of these sound familiar, know that you are not alone.
Parenting is challenging and our children trigger us. There are moments when we are reactive, we are desperate, or we simply don’t know what else to do. This is unavoidable.
Using threats from time to time will not damage your child or your undo all the work you have done. Not at all.
And still, if you are using threats as your primary parenting tool, know that there are more effective and longer-lasting strategies.
Boundaries.
Boundaries are parameters and guidelines you set for your child’s behavior to keep them safe and cared for.
They are clear, direct, reasonable and developmentally appropriate.
When you set a boundary you’re clearly describing to your child what behaviors they can do vs. what they cannot do.
You are composed and consistent. Boundaries do not come from a place of panic, fear, or anger. They come from a place of grounded and intentional guidance.
Ultimately, your boundaries are not about you and your emotions, they are about guiding your child.
You cannot hit me. You can be angry, of course. No hitting me when you’re angry.
T.V. is off in 2 minutes. You might not want to turn it off, I know. Still, T.V. is off in 2 minutes.
This toy is not for throwing. I am putting it away for now and we can try again tomorrow.
My answer is no. It’s upsetting, I know. My answer won’t change, but you can feel disappointed as long as you need to.
Does this help to clear up the differences?
Notice how you can validate your child’s perspective and feelings while also sticking to your decision.
Notice there are no questions in your boundaries, just clear and direct statements.
Notice you are kind, yet firm.
I know it’s challenging to always know what to do and say, especially in the moment! That’s true for all of us!
It’s not about getting it right all the time, it’s about getting the tools you need to feel confident, in charge and connected to your child.
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