Today I want to share a story a client shared with me, with his full permission.
His 6-year-old daughter loved dance class. She looked forward to it all week. But every week, before class, the same dilemma would arise:
“My leotard is itchy! It doesn’t feel good!”
Dad would be thrown off by this each week, and naturally, he did all the reasonable things to help resolve the problem.
He washed the leotard to soften the fabric.
He cut the tag out in case that was the culprit.
He checked for pokey seams (more than once).
Eventually, he bought a couple new leotards… just in case.
But no matter what he did, nothing seemed to help. Almost every week before dance, the leotard was still “too itchy!” and “uncomfortable!” And a meltdown ensued.
Slowly, that familiar parenting frustration crept in:
Why is this still happening?
What am I missing?
Why isn’t anything working?
Then, one afternoon during a playdate, something finally clicked. Dad was watching his daughter running around the house with her friend dancing, laughing, and playing.
And guess what? She was wearing the itchy leotard.
In that moment he realized: This was never about the leotard at all.
So… what was really going on?
The Itchy Leotard Wasn’t the Problem
This is a moment I witness often with families.
Kids do not always have the words to say, “I’m nervous,” or “I’m anxious,” or “I’m worried this won’t go well.” And even when they do have the words, it can feel too vulnerable to say them out loud.
So the emotion they’re feeling inside comes out in other ways. It often comes out as something physical. Something concrete. Something easy to point to and talk about. In this case, it was the leotard.
Dad recognized the leotard wasn’t necessarily itchy and uncomfortable. It’s that his daughter was nervous before dance class, and those nerves were channeled into something she could easily express.
This is exactly how anxiety works in many children. And if you haven’t noticed, it does seem like our kids today are more anxious than previous generations.
A Critical Mindset Shift
Here’s the mindset shift that changed so much for the dad in this story, and that can change so much for you as well:
It’s not the thing. It’s the feeling.
Anxiety in children rarely shows up in a clean, predictable, obvious way. Kids don’t come to us and say, “Hi, I’m feeling anxious right now!”
Instead, anxiety often shows up in disguise:
- An itchy piece of clothing
- An unexplained stomachache or headache
- A hairstyle that’s just “not right” (even after you fix it four times)
- Shoes that “don’t feel good” (even when they fit)
- Nail biting or chewing on clothes
- Excessive snacking
- Perfectionism
- School refusal
- Asking the same question over and over
- Regressions
- Sudden bursts of anger or irritability
And yes, I know what you’re thinking 🙂 Some of these sound like… every single child out there! And you’re not wrong about that.
That’s why we look for pattern, for persistence, and for intensity. And the way the outward behaviors start to interfere with daily life.
Many of the parents I encounter unintentionally get trapped in what I call the “surface loop” where they’re hyper focused on the “thing” instead of the feeling. And it makes perfect sense. Your child says something is wrong. You try to fix it. It doesn’t work. So now you try harder.
You buy different socks. Adjust the shoes. Change the breakfast. Redo the hair again and again. Cut the tags. Change plans. Move things around.
And you start to feel exhausted and confused because you’re putting in all this effort, yet nothing seems to be working.
That’s because all that work is focused on the surface – the thing. And that surface “thing” you’re jumping through hoops to accommodate is not the real issue.
The real issue is the worry or anxiety your child is feeling underneath. A worry that will latch on to just about any ‘thing” if we never address it properly.
This Is Where Your “X-Ray Vision” Comes In
Your job is not to dismiss your child’s experience. Their discomfort feels real to them. Their worry is real. Your job is also not to jump in and immediately fix all worry or take away all struggles.
Your job is to look past the surface and ask:
What’s really going on here?
What emotion might be driving this?
What is my child trying to avoid or tell me?
What feels scary, uncertain, or overwhelming right now?
When you can see underneath the behavior, everything changes. Because now you’re not battling the leotard. You’re supporting your child through their real struggle.
Here’s what I helped this dad do. It was a combination of four key tools.
- Reflection
“Did you know that sometimes when we’re nervous, we feel it in our body? We might think something is itchy or wrong, but it’s actually our mind saying, ‘I’m feeling a little nervous right now.’”
This gives the child language and insight. It teaches them: This is a feeling.
- Validation
“That happens to a lot of people sometimes. Feeling nervous is totally normal.”
Validation is powerful because it tells a child: You’re not alone.
- Boundaries
This is the part that many parents skip because they’re afraid it’s “too strict,” but boundaries are part of emotional safety.
“The leotard isn’t changing. It’s fabric is not changing. If it doesn’t feel itchy during play, it doesn’t become itchy before dance.”
This is how you hold the boundary, and you support the emotion.
- Coping Support
This is where resilience is built.
“You might still feel nervous before dance. And that’s totally okay. So let’s come up with a plan for what we can do. It might feel hard, but you can do hard things. We’ll get through it together.”
That sentence alone can shift a child’s inner world from “I can’t” to “Maybe I can.”
Why This Matters So Much
So often, what looks like defiance, stubbornness, manipulation, laziness, or melodrama is actually anxiety in disguise.
Your child is not trying to make your life difficult. They are trying to manage discomfort the only way they know how. These behaviors are signals. Emotional expressions. A child’s way of saying:
“Something feels hard.”
“I don’t have the words.”
“I don’t have the tools.”
“I need help.”
And this is where we do our best parenting. Not by fixing the leotard. But by addressing what’s underneath with reflection, validation, boundaries, and coping support.
A Final Thought
The next time your child insists something is “wrong,” pause before you solve.
Ask yourself:
Is this really about the socks?
The shoes?
The hair?
The stomachache?
Or is it about the feeling underneath?
Because when you learn to spot anxiety and worry in disguise, you stop chasing symptoms and start teaching skills. And that is how your child grows stronger.
If this story feels familiar, I want you to pause for a moment. Because chances are, you’re not dealing with “just” itchy clothes, or socks, or stomachaches, or endless questions. You’re dealing with a child who feels something big and doesn’t yet know how to make sense of it. And you’re doing your best to help… while quietly wondering if you’re helping in the right way.
This is where so many parents get stuck – not because they don’t care, but because they don’t have a clear roadmap.
That’s exactly why I created the Everything Anxiety Course.
Not to label your child.
Not to eliminate anxiety altogether (that’s not possible).
But to give you clear, practical tools to help your child face fear, build confidence, and trust themselves step by step.
Inside the course, I walk you through:
- How to recognize anxiety beneath everyday behaviors
- What to say (and what not to say) when your child is worried or anxious
- How to stop fixing symptoms and start teaching specific coping skills
- How to support separation anxiety, social anxiety, social anxiety, physical anxiety, and reassurance-seeking
- How to hold boundaries while still validating emotions
Most importantly, I help you shift from feeling reactive and unsure to calm, grounded, and confident in how you respond.
If anxiety has been quietly running the show in your home. If you’re tired of chasing surface problems. If you want to help your child grow stronger instead of more avoidant – you don’t have to figure this out alone.
👉 Explore the Everything Anxiety Course for ages 3+
This is the support you and your child have been searching for.
And it starts with seeing what’s really going on underneath.
