Sibling dynamics can be challenging for any parent to navigate, especially when conflicts arise. One of the most important things I emphasize when discussing sibling relationships is this: Don’t take sides.
It sounds simple in theory, but in practice, it can feel much more complicated. How do you stay neutral when one child seems to be the clear instigator, or when a younger sibling is the obvious victim? Maybe one child is physically hurting the other right in front of you—how on earth do you not take sides?
Let’s explore what this approach looks like in real life and how you can support all of your children equally during sibling conflicts.
What Does “Not Taking Sides” Really Mean?
First, let’s clear up a common misconception. Not taking sides doesn’t mean you ignore the situation or let bad behavior slide, especially when there’s physical aggression. It also doesn’t mean there are no boundaries or consequences.
Not taking sides means hearing all perspectives and guiding all of your children, even if one child seems more at fault. Each child gets your attention and support, though that guidance may look different for each one.
Real-Life Examples of Not Taking Sides
Here are a few examples of how this works in practice:
Scenario 1: Toy Snatching
Your toddler grabs a toy out of their younger sibling’s hands.
- What to Avoid: “Give that back to him! Be nice to your baby brother. Now he’s crying because of you grabbed that.”
- What to Try Instead: “You want the toy, I see that. We don’t grab. You can ask for a turn, or you can offer a trade. I bet your little brother will trade with you. Let’s try.”
And you can even involve the baby in this interaction: “You didn’t like that he grabbed that from you, I know. You can tell him, ‘I’m still playing with that,’” while you comfort the baby.
Yes, I totally understand the baby may not fully comprehend or repeat your words, but this practice is still valuable for both children. It models for your older child how you’re there to help both communicate better and it’s good practice for you as they grow.
Scenario 2: Name-Calling
Your 6-year-old comes to you crying, saying their sibling called them “stupid.”
- What to Avoid: “How many times have I told you not to call your brother names? It’s mean and we don’t talk like that!”
- What to Try Instead: To your upset child: “I know that doesn’t feel good. Do you think you are stupid? No, of course you’re not. And you can tell your brother exactly that in your strong voice—go ahead and try.”
To your other child: “It’s totally okay to be upset with your brother. We all get annoyed sometimes. But calling him stupid is not the way to tell him. How else can you let him know you’re upset or you need some space?”
Why This Approach Works
By offering clear and direct support to both children, you’re guiding each one to identify their emotions, communicate them better, and solve conflicts. Importantly, you’re not casting one child as the victim and the other as the bully, which can increase sibling rivalry and create more resentment.
Instead, you’re showing them how to navigate tough situations with communication, problem-solving, and respect. You’re modeling emotional regulation and teaching your children how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. These are critical lifelong skills.
How Taking Sides Can Impact the Sibling Relationship
Taking sides can interfere with the sibling bond and intensify rivalry. When one child is consistently labeled the “problem” or the “instigator,” and the other is seen as the victim, it sets up a dynamic that harms both children. The “victim” may feel powerless and helpless, while the “instigator” may feel unfairly targeted and misunderstood. Neither child benefits from this dynamic.
By guiding both (or all) children through their conflicts, you’re fostering a stronger sibling connection and reducing friction over time.
Practical Tools to Reduce Sibling Rivalry
If you’re looking for more ways to manage sibling conflicts and foster long-lasting connection, my Everything Siblings Course provides practical, actionable tools you can implement the same day. I cover:
- Diffusing teasing, copying, and competition
- Reducing jealousy and rivalry
- Navigating fights and bickering
- Building communication and problem-solving skills
This course helps parents avoid common mindset traps, like taking sides, that unintentionally add to sibling friction. It’s designed to give you the tools you need to create a peaceful, cooperative home environment where all your children feel supported and valued.
A Final Mindset Shift
Here’s one more important shift: Your job isn’t to stop all sibling fights from happening. (That’s impossible!) It’s to teach your children the skills they need to fight well. That means communication, negotiation, inclusion, and boundary setting. These skills will not only improve the sibling dynamic but also help your children in friendships and future relationships.
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