When we think about what we want most from our children in the day-to-day, one thing often rises to the top: cooperation.
We’re not necessarily looking for instant obedience or robotic compliance. But some teamwork? Not having to ask again and again? A little less pushback? Cooperation without a fight?
Yes, we all want that.
We want to feel that our children can participate in the responsibilities of daily life with some amount of ease. Or at least without turning everything into a fight.
And yet, so often, we find ourselves locked in power struggles over… just about anything. Getting dressed, turning off the TV, brushing teeth, getting out the door. Simple things we have to do each day and yet, they feel so hard.
So it raises the question:
What actually builds cooperation? What gets our kids to work with us rather, than against us?
You might think the answer lies in being more firm, or more structured, or in setting clearer boundaries. Maybe you’ve tried rewards, threats, bribes, long lectures, time-outs, or sticker charts…
But here’s the truth:
The key to cooperation is connection.
Why Connection Comes First
Think about your own experiences. When you feel like you’re “in it together” with someone, doesn’t your resistance naturally ease? When someone gets you without judgment, aren’t you more willing to meet them halfway?
Children operate the same way. When they feel accepted and understood, they are more open to guidance. Their defenses come down a bit. They become more willing to cooperate, because they feel recognized.
If you are feeling stuck in a constant tug-of-war with your child, here are two essential mindset shifts that can help break that cycle.
Shift 1: It’s Not You Versus Your Child.
It’s so easy to get caught in the pattern of seeing your child as the problem. The pushback, the defiance, the whining, the stalling. It all feels so personal.
But your child is not your adversary, and you’re not locked in a battle with them. Yes, you may be in a battle of sorts, but it’s not you versus them. It’s you and your child together, versus the challenge you’re facing.
The goal is not to win against your child. The goal is to work through the challenge together and come out on the other side stronger.
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect, but they do need you to be on the same team as them.
Shift 2: You Don’t Have to Prove You’re in Charge. You Already Are.
Many power struggles are not really about the task at hand. They are about control and power, with both you and your child in a tug-of-war to prove who’s the boss.
But here’s something critical to remember: you don’t need to prove you’re in charge. You already are, simply by being the parent.
You don’t have to prove that to your child, you have to own it yourself.
You don’t own your leadership by yelling louder or forcing compliance. You own it by staying steady, clear, and connected. That steadiness is what helps children follow your lead.
What Does Connection Look Like?
This is important. Connection is much more than cuddles, playtime, or saying “I love you.” Those things matter, of course, but connection goes even deeper.
True connection is working to understand and then accept who your child is. Not who you want them to be, not who you think they should be, but who they are.
It means being genuinely curious about them, even when you don’t get it.
It means validating their perspective, even if you don’t agree.
It means working to see their point of view, even when it’s hard.
Instead of, “You never listen.” it’s, “You’re having a hard time following through. I can see that. Let’s figure out what’s getting in the way and how we can make this work better. I know we can.”
Instead of “How many times do I have to tell you the same thing?” it’s, “Do you notice it’s been really hard for us to get out of the house on time in the morning? But we still have to do it every day. What ideas do you have to make this easier? I want to hear them.”
Connection is slowing down and asking yourself:
- What is my child trying to tell me?
- Can I see things from their perspective?
- How can I relate to them in this moment?
- What are their strengths and how do I support them?
- What are their challenges and how do we learn and grow from them?
Connection doesn’t have to be big gestures. It builds from small, everyday moments: “Show me what you’re playing. I don’t quite get it, but I’d love to learn more about what you love.”
And Yes, Boundaries Still Matter
Of course, boundaries, structure, routines, and expectations are all very important. Children thrive with clarity and consistency.
But without the foundation of connection, those boundaries can fall flat or spark more resistance because boundaries without connection just feel like control.
Now, you might be wondering:
How do I balance both? How do I stay connected while still being the one in charge?
The good news is that it’s not as hard as you think. In fact, you’re probably already doing more of it than you realize.
Connection is built in the smallest moments.
- When you pause to listen instead of rush to fix.
- When you offer empathy, even if you still hold the limit.
- When you get curious about their behavior, instead of immediately trying to correct it.
These small moments add up. They build a foundation you can rely on during the harder moments when you do have to set a boundary, enforce a limit, or say no.
And if you’re thinking:
This still feels like too much. I don’t always know what to say.
I don’t know how to connect when I’m frustrated or when they’re being difficult…
I’m here to help. This is exactly why I created my parenting courses. To guide you through those everyday challenges with tools that are practical, doable, and grounded in real-life. Click below and find support for your child’s age and needs:
⭐️ The Everything Toddler Course
⭐️ The Everything 3–7 Course
⭐️ The Everything Siblings Course
⭐️ The Everything Anxiety Course
⭐️ The Potty Training Guide
You don’t have to figure this out alone. You get to take full advantage of my nearly four decades of experience working with children and families so that parenting doesn’t feel so overwhelming, and cooperation becomes something you actually see happening in your home… every single day.
What’s The Difference Between A Threat And A Boundary?
The Path to Better Behavior Isn’t What You Think
