Do you ever struggle with setting boundaries with your child? You’re not alone. Boundaries are an essential part of parenting, but they can be challenging to enforce, especially in the heat of the moment.
Maybe you worry about your child’s big emotional reactions, or perhaps you didn’t grow up in a household where boundaries were consistently used. Sometimes, setting boundaries might feel too strict or harsh, leaving you questioning if you’re doing it “right.”
A New Perspective on Boundaries
If you feel guilty or “mean” when setting boundaries, here’s a simple shift that might help: Boundaries are about guiding your child, not punishing them.
Boundaries exist to keep our children safe and cared for while helping them learn and grow. They’re not about threats or “teaching a lesson” through punishment. This one mindset change can impact your intention, tone, consistency, and the outcome of your interactions with your child.
Two Approaches to Setting Boundaries
Consider these two examples and notice the difference:
- Example 1: “If you don’t stop whining, then you’re not going to have any video game time after dinner.”
This example is a threat: “If you don’t do this, then this will happen.” It might stop the whining in the moment, but what internal skills are being developed? What lesson is being learned?
- Example 2: “I can hear you whining. Can you? When you’re done whining, tell me what you need in your regular voice, and I’m here to help.”
This example acknowledges your child’s feelings and aims to build inner skills. It shifts the responsibility back to them, encouraging awareness and self-regulation. Stopping the whining is in their power; it’s not about the video game being taken away.
The Purpose of Boundaries
This is the true purpose of boundaries: to communicate reasonable and respectful guidelines for your child’s behavior. You are not a judge delivering a verdict; you are a leader and a teacher guiding their development.
But remember, children won’t always appreciate boundaries in the moment, and maintaining calm in the face of resistance isn’t easy. That’s normal! They’re children, and you’re human.
It’s natural for children to protest or get frustrated when boundaries are set, and that’s okay. It’s also okay for you to feel overwhelmed or unprepared at times. You’re not alone in this journey.
Practical Tools for Parenting with Confidence
If you’re feeling unsure about how to handle these challenging moments, know that help is available. I’ve worked with thousands of parents to help them feel more confident and connected with their children through my online parenting courses. These courses don’t just offer theories; they provide real, actionable tools you can implement in your home today.
- The Everything Toddler Course: Designed for parents of toddlers (ages 1-3) dealing with behaviors like tantrums, hitting, biting, throwing, picky eating, sharing, and more.
- The Everything 3-7 Course: Perfect for parents of children no longer toddlers but not quite “big kids,” facing challenges like outbursts, fears, anxiety, lying, competitiveness, whining, and fights with friends.
- The Everything Siblings Course: Focused on managing the complex sibling dynamics, including fighting, jealousy, competition, bringing home a new baby, and more.
Final Thoughts
Remember, setting boundaries is not about being “mean” or punitive; it’s about guiding your child towards healthy development. It’s okay to feel uncertain or to make mistakes along the way. Parenting is a journey, and every step you take towards understanding and connection with your child makes a difference.
Ready to learn more? Explore my courses and find the tools you need to parent with confidence and compassion.
