How to Teach Emotional Regulation to Your Child

Emotional regulation is one of the most important skills you can teach your child, and it plays a crucial role in their development. As parents, we have the responsibility to help our children understand, manage, and express their emotions in healthy ways.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is defined as “a person’s ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience.” In other words, it’s the skill of navigating challenging and uncomfortable emotions in a constructive manner. This is a fundamental part of both childhood and adult life.

For adults, an “emotional experience” might include things like losing your keys, dealing with a difficult conversation, or running late for an important meeting. For children, emotional experiences can range from not getting their favorite plate at breakfast to being picked last during a game. Every day presents opportunities for both children and adults to practice emotional regulation.

Teaching emotional regulation is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child, and it’s never too early or too late to start.

What Does Emotional Regulation Look Like?

Emotional regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions. It’s about feeling emotions and learning how to manage, express, and navigate them in a healthier way. Let’s look at some examples:

• Scenario 1: Feeling angry and storming off to slam the door, or feeling angry and saying, “I’m so angry I could slam this door! I won’t, but that’s how angry I feel right now.”
• Scenario 2: Throwing a tantrum when you have to wait for your turn, or feeling frustrated, taking a deep breath, and asking for a turn when it’s available.
• Scenario 3: Having a meltdown after losing a race, or feeling disappointed and thinking, “I’m upset, but if I want to get faster, I need to keep practicing.”

In each case, the emotion—anger, frustration, disappointment—is still present, but the way it is expressed and managed is different.

How to Teach Emotional Regulation to Your Child

Here are three effective strategies for teaching emotional regulation:

1. Start Early and Practice Consistently

Emotional regulation is learned over time, with lots of practice and patience. It’s important to set realistic expectations for your child based on their developmental stage. For example, a 2-year-old won’t have the same capacity for regulation as an 8-year-old. And even older children need plenty of practice to improve their skills.

2. Allow Your Child to Feel All Emotions

It’s essential to allow your child to experience all emotions—even the difficult ones like anger, frustration, and sadness. While it might seem counterintuitive, allowing these emotions is part of teaching emotional regulation. Children need to know that emotions are temporary and that they can manage them.

By acknowledging their feelings rather than dismissing or rushing through them, you give your child the space to process emotions and learn that they can cope with them.

3. Model Emotional Regulation

Children learn by watching, and one of the most powerful ways to teach emotional regulation is to model it yourself. Parenting gives you countless opportunities to practice your own emotional regulation, especially in tough moments. When your child sees you managing your emotions in a healthy way, they are more likely to follow suit.

Sample Scripts to Help Your Child Navigate Big Emotions

Here are some simple scripts you can use to guide your child through emotional moments:

• “I can see you’re really upset. Take your time to feel upset, and when you’re ready, you can tell me what you need. But no, you cannot hit me when you’re upset. You can feel upset, though.”
• “You’re right, this is hard! Let’s take a deep breath and a break, then we’ll try again. When things are hard, we come up with a plan and keep trying.”
• “I know this doesn’t feel good. Do you have any ideas for how you can help yourself feel better? I have some, but I’d love to hear yours too.”
• “You might feel upset when it’s time to leave, and that’s okay. Feeling upset—sure! Screaming and yelling—not okay. What can you do instead? Yes, you can tell me how upset you are, and I will listen.”

Don’t worry about saying the “perfect” thing. The most important elements are your intention, tone, and body language. Focus on conveying that emotions are okay, and we are practicing how to manage them in healthy ways.

Build Emotional Regulation with Practical Tools

If you’re looking for more specific strategies to help your child build emotional regulation, resilience, and coping skills, my online parenting courses offer in-depth guidance. These courses are packed with over 35 years of experience and are designed to help families like yours feel more secure and connected.

• The Everything Toddler Course (ages 1-3): Learn how to manage toddler behaviors such as tantrums, hitting, independence, and more. This foundational course will help you navigate your child’s most formative years.
• The Everything 3-7 Course (ages 3-7): As your child grows, so do the challenges. This course covers topics like lying, teasing, jealousy, anxiety, and much more, helping you adjust your parenting strategies accordingly.
• The Everything Siblings Course (for all ages): Get practical tools to reduce sibling rivalry, teasing, fighting, and jealousy. This course helps foster stronger connections between siblings.