What would you say is the hardest part of parenting? You might think it’s dealing with tantrums, sleepless nights, or navigating school challenges. But for many parents, the most challenging part of parenting has less to do with their child and more to do with themselves.
The hardest part of parenting often lies in managing your own emotions—containing them, separating them from your child’s, and taking ownership of how you feel. It’s not easy, but it’s essential for your well-being and for setting a healthy example for your children.
Let’s explore two key ideas to help you navigate this challenging aspect of parenting.
1. Perfection Is Not the Goal
The first big lesson is this: Your goal is never perfection.
If you aim for perfection, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment, shame, and guilt. Parenting is hard, and no one can manage their emotions perfectly every time. (Myself included!) The truth is, you don’t need to be perfect—and that’s actually not what you want to model for your children either.
When you make mistakes or lose your cool, these moments are valuable opportunities for reflection and growth. You can use them to model accountability and show your child how to learn from and recover from mistakes.
Instead of striving for perfection, shift your mindset to focus on progress. Progress is what matters. Maybe right now, you feel like the parent you want to be about 30% of the time. That’s okay! Progress means working toward being that parent 40% of the time, then maybe 50%, and so on.
The key is to recognize that growth is gradual, non-linear, full of stumbles, and every step along the way counts.
We must recognize that mistakes are a healthy and vital part of the process.
2. Break It Down
Do you ever find yourself thinking:
- “I wish I was more calm.”
- “I just want to be more patient.”
- “I need to stop yelling!”
These are common and very well meaning goals for parents, but they are also broad and abstract. While your intentions are good, these types of goals can unintentionally set you up for failure because they’re far too general. Open-ended goals like these often leave you feeling worse because they state a grand desire, but lack a plan—a clear “how to” for getting there.
To make real progress, break down your goals into specific, actionable steps.
For example, let’s turn:
- “I just want to be more patient.”
Into:
- “I notice I lose my patience most often at bedtime when I’m exhausted and triggered. What can I do before and during bedtime to help myself? How can I begin to notice what I’m feeling before it’s too late and I explode?”
Now, you’ve identified a specific situation where you want to improve. You can come up with actionable ideas to try like:
- Timing. Shift around your timing to give everyone a bit more time to transition to bedtime.
- Shift the power. Give each child an age appropriate night time task they can be in charge of to build their sense of autonomy.
- Play music in the background to help set a different tone for both yourself and your children.
- Remind yourself: “This is just a moment in time. I can get through this.”
- Journal: Take a few minutes each night to reflect on the day and your triggers. Notice how you felt and what events led to those feelings.
By breaking your goal into smaller, realistic steps, you make it easier to identify progress. Identifying actionable steps also allows you to try them out for a few days, see what works, and make adjustments as needed.
Progress Over Perfection
The next time you feel overwhelmed or triggered, remember that progress is the goal, not perfection. Break your goals down into actionable steps, and give yourself the grace to make mistakes and learn from them. Over time, you’ll find that managing your emotions becomes more natural, and you’ll be modeling emotional resilience for your child in the process.
Ready to take the next step in your parenting journey?
For more practical tools and insights into how to navigate the emotional challenges of parenting, check out my comprehensive parenting courses. We’ll work together to help you feel more confident and capable as you manage both your emotions and your child’s needs.
- The Everything Toddler Course (ages 1-3): Designed to help you manage tantrums, hitting, biting, and more. This course sets the foundation for navigating your child’s most formative years.
- The Everything 3-7 Course (ages 3-7): Ideal for parents handling new challenges such as outbursts, lying, anxiety, competitiveness, and more as your child transitions from toddlerhood to early childhood.
- The Everything Siblings Course (all ages): Whether your children are fighting, teasing, or competing, this course walks you through the complex dynamics of sibling relationships and offers practical tools to build long-lasting connections.
