You’ve followed the advice, used a validation script, and approached your child with empathy and understanding. Instead of calming down, though, they scream louder, cover their ears, or yell at you to “Go away!” and “Stop talking!”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These moments can be confusing and frustrating. You’re trying to help your child, yet it feels like your efforts are making things worse.
Let’s explore why this happens and what you can do when emotional validation seems to backfire.
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Why Your Child May React This Way
Emotional validation works by reflecting your child’s feelings back to them, like holding up a mirror. While some children feel comforted knowing their emotions are acknowledged, others may feel overwhelmed, vulnerable, or even ashamed.
For these children, the “mirror” might feel too intense in the moment, making it hard for them to face the overwhelming emotions they’re experiencing. This is especially true during heightened emotional states, when their ability to process is already limited.
So, how can you navigate this? The key is to adjust your approach while staying grounded and supportive.
What to Do When Validation Backfires
1. Less is More
When your child is upset, the instinct to fix, explain, or empathize deeply can lead to over-talking and overdoing. But in these moments, less is often more.
Here’s what to try:
- Keep it simple: “I hear you. You’re upset.” Then pause.
- A few minutes later, you might add, “When you’re ready, help yourself to calm down. I know you can do it.”
Avoid asking questions, offering solutions, or continuing to talk. Leave space for your child to process.
2. Focus on Yourself
In these moments, it can be helpful to shift your energy from your child to yourself.
- Stay calm and composed: Your child’s emotions don’t need to overpower you. Show with your body language and demeanor that you’re grounded and steady.
- Avoid hovering: While staying within eyesight, go about your activities to demonstrate that their emotions don’t disrupt the flow of the day. This isn’t about ignoring them—it’s about modeling calmness amidst their chaos.
Ask yourself: Does their louder response mean it’s not working, or is it just not the immediate response I was hoping for?
3. Reflect Later
When the storm has passed—and it will—you can revisit the situation in a calm and reflective way.
For children who feel vulnerable with direct validation, reflection can happen hours or even days later. You can approach this casually and creatively by introducing the topic through someone or something else.
Examples:
- “Did I ever tell you that when I was 5, I would get so angry? Oh yes, I would kick and scream, and my parents didn’t always know what to do!”
- “I heard that Kobe Bryant used to get nervous before games. I wonder what he told himself to help?”
- “I think your doll is feeling very frustrated! How can she help herself?”
By reflecting indirectly, you give your child a safe space to explore emotions without feeling put on the spot.
A Powerful Example: Less is More in Action
A mother once shared with me her approach to her 4-year-old’s meltdowns. During her daughter’s outbursts, she would say simply, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I’m here for you when you’re ready.” Then she would calmly go about her activities, staying nearby but not hovering.
Occasionally, she would check in with a gentle, “I see you’re still upset. When you can, help yourself to calm down.” Eventually, her daughter would calm herself and come over for a hug.
This mother’s approach illustrates the power of staying grounded, keeping it simple, and being a steady source of support.
Key Takeaways
- Validation isn’t one-size-fits-all: Some children may find it overwhelming at first. Adjust your approach to meet your child’s needs.
- Less is more: Simple, short statements can be more effective than long explanations or over-empathizing.
- Reflect later: Use indirect examples to revisit emotions and problem-solving in a safe and casual way.
- Stay grounded: Your calmness shows your child that their emotions are manageable and don’t overwhelm you.
Final Thoughts
When validation seems to backfire, it’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign to adjust your approach. By staying calm, simplifying your response, and revisiting the situation later, you can help your child navigate their emotions while building trust and emotional resilience.
For more parenting strategies that work in real-life situations, check out my comprehensive parenting courses. Together, we’ll help you feel more confident and equipped to handle the ups and downs of parenting with grace and connection.
