Let’s talk about punishment. What it is. Why it’s so common. And why, despite our very best intentions, it often falls short of what we actually hope to accomplish.
Before we go any further, I want to say something clearly. If you have used punishments in your parenting, you are not alone. Not even close.
Many of us were raised in homes where punishment was the primary form of discipline. It was presented as the responsible, effective, and even loving way to teach children right from wrong. And when we become parents ourselves, we easily fall back on what feels most familiar – especially in moments of overwhelm, exhaustion, or when we’re unsure what else to do.
This conversation is not going to be about blame, shame, or guilt. It is about awareness. Because it’s ultimately awareness that leads to growth and change.
When we slow down enough to examine why we respond the way we do, and what those responses are teaching our children, we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect and evolve. We move from reacting out of habit to responding with intention.
The word punishment can feel broad and loaded. Let’s define what it means in the context of parenting.
What Do We Mean By “Punishment”?
When I talk about punishment, I’m referring to responses meant to make a child feel bad so they stop a behavior.
Typically, these are things like:
Time-Outs
- “Go to your room and don’t come out until you can act better!”
- “Stand in the corner and think about that you did!”
- “Sit in the time-out chair until you calm down!”
Threats and Taking Away Privileges
- “That’s it! No more iPad if you don’t clean your room.”
- “You lied to me! Now you can’t go to the birthday party.”
- “If you don’t do your homework right now, I’m throwing away all your video games!”
Emotional Punishment
- Silent treatment
- Withdrawing love or connection
- Shaming language: “You always disappoint me.” “What’s wrong with you?” “You ruin everything!”
- Guilting language: “I can’t believe you would do this to me.” “Now I’m sad because of you.” “After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?”
- Conditional love: “If you cared about me, you wouldn’t act like that.” “I’m not going to be nice to you if you keep doing that.”
Physical Punishment
- Spanking
- Smacking
- Pinching
- Any form of physical harm
While physical punishment has thankfully become much less prevalent in many places, the others – especially time-outs, threats, and privilege removal – remain ingrained in much of modern parenting.
They are familiar and when we are triggered, they are often what we fall back on. They feel concrete and immediate when we’re unsure what else to do. And yes, they definitely seem to “work” in the short term.
But temporarily stopping a behavior is not the same as teaching a skill.
When we zoom out and look at long-term emotional development, a different picture emerges. We ask: Is my child learning how to regulate and contain their emotions or are they simply learning how to avoid consequences? Are they developing lasting internal accountability or are they just become better at hiding, deflecting, or complying out of fear? Are they building new skills, or are they slowly internalizing shame about who they are when they struggle?
Because our ultimate goal is not control in the moment. Our goal is growth over time.
And when we look more closely at long-term emotional development, we begin to see that punishment falls short in several important ways.
Punishment Focuses Only On Behavior, Not Emotion
One of the most significant limitations of punishment is that it focuses only on the outward behavior without addressing the underlying emotion driving it.
Behavior is what we see: hitting, lying, yelling, teasing, refusing, sass.
But behavior is only the surface. Underneath every behavior is an emotional state. Anger. Embarrassment. Jealousy. Fear. Shame. A longing for connection. A need for power or control.
A child may hit because they feel overwhelmed. They may lie because they feel jealous or ashamed. They may tease because they feel inferior. When we punish the behavior without exploring the emotional root, we are responding only to the surface.
It is like responding to the tip of an iceberg while ignoring the massive structure just below the waterline.
And over time, this can create a vicious cycle. The child acts out. The parent punishes. The behavior resurfaces because the root cause was never addressed. Frustration grows. Punishment escalates. And the underlying emotional drivers remain untouched.
No new skill has been built, and frustration and disconnection deepen.
Guidance interrupts this cycle because it asks a different question. Not “How do I stop this behavior right now?” but “What is happening underneath this behavior, and what skill is missing?”
Punishment focuses on control. Guidance focuses on growth.
Punishment Comes From Parental Frustration
Let’s be honest. Most parents do not punish when they feel calm, connected, and in control. Punishment usually happens when we’re at the end of our rope. When we are angry, disappointed, anxious, overwhelmed, or unsure what else to do.
Years ago, I shared this idea with a parent and it became an “aha” moment for her. I have repeated it ever since because it rings so true:
Punishment often happens when you are desperately trying to regain control of a situation while you yourself feel completely out of control.
In other words, punishment is frequently driven more by the parent’s emotional state than by the child’s developmental need.
When we feel triggered, our nervous system shifts into urgency. We want the behavior to stop immediately. We want quiet. We want relief. We want control restored. And punishment feels like a fast way to get there.
That is totally human. Parenting stretches us and exposes our limits. It presses on all our unresolved wounds.
But when discipline is delivered from emotional reactivity, it escalates the very thing we are trying to calm. A reactive response meets a reactive child, and conflict intensifies. Or a reactive response meets a child who turns inward, who already feels insecure or unsure of themselves, and shame takes root.
Guidance leads to something different. It requires enough regulation on our part to pause before acting. It asks us to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.
This does not mean being perfectly calm at all times, because that is simply not possible. It means becoming aware of our own internal state. It means recognizing, either before or after we react, when our response is coming from our own overwhelm rather than our child’s developmental need. And it means learning how to slow that down.
Sometimes that slowing down happens in the moment. Sometimes it happens afterward, through reflection and repair. Both count.
Because when we regulate ourselves first, we create space to actually teach. And teaching is what discipline is meant to be.
Punishment Relies On Guilt And Shame
Many forms of punishment are designed to make children feel bad so they will change their behavior. The assumption is simple: if they feel bad enough, they will not repeat it. But imposed shame carries risks.
Guilt and shame are natural human emotions we all experience. They can serve a healthy purpose when they arise internally and are processed with support. But they are not reliable tools for skill building when they are externally imposed.
When a child behaves in a way we do not approve of and we respond with shame-based language or guilt-based reactions, there are typically two outcomes.
Some children externalize the discomfort and respond with anger, resentment, or defiance: You are bad. I am mad at you. The focus shifts outward and the child protects themselves from the shame by pushing it away.
Other children internalize it. They turn the discomfort inward and begin forming beliefs about themselves. I am bad. I always mess up. Something is wrong with me. The focus becomes identity rather than behavior.
Neither pathway fosters the healthy emotional growth we want.
Skill building requires safety, reflection, and connection. Growth requires the belief that mistakes are opportunities, not proof of personal failure.
And that is something shame simply cannot provide.
Punishment Is Often Built On Unrealistic Expectations
Punishment frequently arises when we expect children to operate at developmental levels beyond their capacity. Skills such as impulse control, patience, emotional regulation, and perspective-taking take years to mature. Yet when a child struggles with those very skills, we often interpret it as defiance rather than development in progress.
Traditional punitive systems divide children’s actions into two categories: good behavior and bad behavior. When a child behaves “badly,” the assumption is that they deserve punishment. Otherwise, how will they learn?
But the real question is this: What does learning actually require?
Children are learning all the time. Their mistakes, stumbles, and missteps are not signs of moral failure. They are signs of skill development still underway. If every mistake is treated as wrongdoing that requires punishment, where is the learning?
Think about when your child was learning to walk or talk. They fell repeatedly. They mispronounced words. They struggled. Yet you never considered punishing them for these mistakes. You understood instinctively that learning a new skill required repetition, patience, encouragement, and time.
Emotional and behavioral skills require the same process, and often far more time and guidance to develop.
When we adjust our expectations to align with development, something shifts inside us. Frustration softens and curiosity grows. We move from: “Why are they like this?” to understanding, “I get this. They are still learning and I know what to do.”
And that shift changes everything.
Punishment Can Undermine Your Authority
Many of us were taught that punishment is how we establish authority. But often, the opposite happens.
When discipline relies heavily on threats or the removal of privileges such as screens, desserts, toys, or outings, the focus shifts. Instead of internalizing the lesson about responsibility or impact, the child begins to focus on the object that was taken away. The iPad becomes the center of attention. The dessert becomes the obsession. The birthday party becomes the fixation.
The learning gets replaced with negotiation, resentment, or strategizing around how to get the privilege back. Over time, children can become preoccupied with the very things that are restricted. The object holds the power, rather than the lesson or you.
And when discipline becomes reactive our authority can start to feel shaky rather than steady. Not because we are bad parents, but because our response is driven by urgency and emotion rather than intention.
True parental authority is not built on leverage. It is built on steadiness and trust.
Authority does not come from how loudly we threaten or how much we remove. It comes from clarity, consistency, and respectful leadership. It comes from a child’s sense that the adult is grounded, predictable, and safe.
When we lead with clarity instead of leverage, children begin to internalize our guidance. They respect us, not because they fear losing something, but because they feel secure in the structure we provide.
What To Do Instead
So of course the question becomes: If punishment is not the most effective long-term solution, then what is?
Because let’s be clear. This is not about creating a free-for-all. Discipline is essential and your leadership is vital to your child’s growth. Children need structure and limits. They need guidance.
What they do not need is fear or shame as the primary driver of change.
Children need clear guidance, steady mentorship, tons of practice, and a safe place for reflection. They need adults who remain connected to them through mistakes rather than sending them away because of them. They need to feel that when they fall short, they are still safe in the relationship.
Discipline, at its root, means to teach. It’s not meant to hurt, to embarrass, or to to overpower.
Teaching means helping children understand both their behavior and the emotion underneath it. It means building healthy coping skills. It means practicing problem-solving. It means developing communication that is clear and direct. It means holding boundaries with steadiness while also nurturing connection.
This is not permissive parenting. It is not endless validation without limits. It is balanced, grounded leadership.
It is boundaries paired with empathy.
It is accountability paired with connection.
It is function, not just feelings.
Inside my courses, this is exactly what I teach. Step-by-step, I guide parents through how to move beyond punishment and into a form of discipline that builds emotional regulation, cooperation, and long-term growth.
It is about gaining cooperation because your child trusts your leadership. Building a relationship rooted in clarity and steadiness. It is about having precise tools, real scripts, and actionable strategies you can begin using immediately.
Because discipline is not about controlling children. It is about equipping them.
You can learn more about my courses here.
It’s Never Too Late To Shift And Repair
If you have relied too heavily on punishment in the past, I want you to hear this clearly: You have not ruined your child. It is absolutely never too late to make a shift.
You were parenting with the tools you had at the time. We all are. Growth is available to children and parents alike. The very fact that you are reflecting on this now says something powerful about the kind of parent you are.
You can repair.
You can say, “I am learning new ways to guide you.”
You can say, “I want to try something different.”
You can model reflection and growth in real time.
And when you do, you are teaching something far greater than compliance. You are teaching humility, accountability, flexibility, and courage.
Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to learn and evolve.
And that willingness, in itself, may be one of the most powerful lessons you ever offer.
If you are ready to shift from punishment to guidance, and want clear direction on how to do it, my courses are designed to walk you through that transformation step by step.
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The Hardest Part of Parenting: Managing Your Own Emotions
