If I Could Tell Every Parent Just 5 Things, It Would Be These

I’m asked all the time: What advice do you give to new parents?

I’ll be honest, I don’t love this question. It sounds simple, but it’s a big, complicated question in disguise.

There is already so much parenting advice out there, much of it conflicting. Parents are constantly bombarded with messages about what they should and shouldn’t do, what their child needs, what they absolutely must get right… or else! And the last thing I want to do is add to the pressure, confusion, and guilt that many parents already feel.

In addition, parenting is not one-size-fits-all. Depending on your child’s age, their personality, your personality and life experiences, and even the particular challenge in front of you that day, the answer can look completely different.

But recently, I was asked this question again, and this time I challenged myself to really think about my answer. And I realized something. There are a few core ideas I come back to again and again in my work with parents. They aren’t quick tips or scripts. They are bigger-picture reminders about what it means to be a parent, and they apply across ages, stages, and situations.

My hope is that these reminders help simplify things a little. That they help you trust yourself more, second-guess yourself less, and maybe even enjoy the process a little more along the way. Because parenting is a process. A process of learning, making mistakes, changing your mind, figuring things out, and having moments when you feel completely confident right alongside moments when you wonder what on earth you’re doing.

All of that belongs.

So today, I’m finally answering the question. Here are five things I want every parent to know.

1. Trust yourself. You are the parent.

You are an adult with life experience, perspective, and foresight. Even in moments when you feel completely lost and are filled with self doubt, you do know more than you think you do simply because you have lived, learned, made decisions, made mistakes, changed course, and figured things out before. Lean into that.

And I know that sometimes being told to “trust yourself” can actually feel unhelpful or even a little condescending. You may be thinking, But I don’t know what to do! Don’t tell me to trust myself. Tell me what to do!

I get it, and here’s an important reminder: Self-trust takes many forms.

It certainly does not mean always knowing the answer.

• Sometimes trusting yourself means making a decision even when you’re not certain.
• Sometimes it means trying something, realizing it isn’t working, and changing course.
• Sometimes it means making a mistake and knowing you can repair.
• And sometimes it means trusting yourself enough to recognize, I don’t know what to do here. I need help.

Seeking advice, asking questions, reaching out for support, and yes, even making mistakes… These are not failures of self-trust. They ARE self-trust.

Self-trust is knowing you will not always get it right. It’s knowing you can handle not knowing. It’s trusting that you can keep figuring it out as you go. Every one of you reading this can do that.

2. Get comfortable with your child being uncomfortable.

From the very beginning, we hear our child cry and every instinct in us says: Make it better. And when they’re babies, that instinct serves an important purpose. They need our immediate attention, comfort, and presence. They rely on us to respond to their needs.

But as your child grows, an incredibly important shift must happen: from always trying to remove discomfort to learning how to support your child through it. It’s a critical distinction.

As your child grows into a toddler and beyond, they will feel frustration, disappointment, anger, boredom, jealousy, sadness… They will lose games, hear no, struggle to do things, feel left out, have to wait, and experience plenty of moments when life simply doesn’t go their way.

These are not problems we need to prevent.

And unlike when they were a baby, your child does not need you to immediately resolve their discomfort. What they now need is for you to support them while giving them enough space to experience the feelings and discover how they can handle them.

That’s why your job is not to keep your child happy all the time. That’s not possible or healthy. Your job is to help your child experience uncomfortable feelings and move through them successfully. In child development, we call this frustration tolerance. In my work with families, I see it grow the same way every time: through small, repeated doses of manageable discomfort with a calm adult nearby, not through avoiding discomfort altogether.

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child describes the same thing: manageable stress, with a supportive adult nearby, helps children build resilience.

• You can sit beside a disappointed child without changing your answer.
• You can empathize with frustration without fixing the problem.
• You can acknowledge that something feels hard without making it easier.

And yes, this means you have to get more comfortable with their discomfort too, because often the hardest part is resisting our own urge to step in and make it better.

But each time you stay grounded and allow your child to move through a hard moment with your support, you’re giving them an opportunity to learn something incredibly important: This feeling is uncomfortable, but I can handle it. I can keep going.

That’s a lesson they’ll carry with them far beyond childhood.

3. Feelings matter. But they don’t run the show.

One of the biggest misconceptions I see in parenting today is the idea that because feelings are important, they should take priority over everything else. We’ve made enormous progress in how we understand, recognize, and talk about emotions and that’s wonderful. But somewhere along the way, we started giving feelings a bit too much power.

Feelings are important. They deserve to be acknowledged and respected. But they don’t get to run the show or your family. That is what emotional validation really means: letting your child know their feeling makes sense, without agreeing to change what happens next.

Your child’s feelings are real and valid, but that doesn’t mean every feeling needs to be acted on, accommodated, or resolved. Feeling and doing need to coexist.

• You don’t have to choose between empathy and authority.
• You can understand why your child is upset and still say no.
• You can make room for their disappointment and still follow through.
• You can acknowledge their anger and still stop a behavior that isn’t okay.

Your child needs to know that their feelings absolutely matter AND that life continues, boundaries remain, and certain behaviors are not okay.

Your child’s feelings don’t need to change in order for you to hold a limit or continue with your day. Your job isn’t to make those feelings go away, but to help your child develop the ability to experience their emotions without being controlled by them. To feel what they feel AND still do what needs to get done.

This is one of the most important “ANDs” in parenting: You can feel AND do. I can understand how you feel AND still be in charge. Your feelings are safe AND we eventually continue moving forward.

4. Do less so your child can do more.

Modern parenting can feel like a full-time optimization project. You’re supposed to say the perfect thing, explain every decision, prevent every struggle, create enriching experiences, anticipate every need, and turn every difficult moment into a beautiful teaching opportunity.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to.

Doing more, even when well-intentioned, can lead to over parenting. Children need room to participate in their own lives and when we over-accommodate, over-explain, over-fix, and over-manage, we inadvertently under-prepare our children.

So what does doing less actually look like? Sometimes it’s shifting from:

• “Here, let me help you” to “Hmm, what do you think you could try?”
• From “Why don’t we do this?” to “I wonder what you think might work here.”
• From rushing in with “I know what to do!” to “You know, sometimes it takes time to figure things out. Let’s give it some thought.”

And sometimes it’s not saying anything at all and just giving your child a little time and space to think, try, struggle, and discover what they’re capable of.

Less talking. Less explaining. Less fixing. And yes, please, fewer questions and choices too!

Because even our well-intentioned questions and suggestions can become another way of doing too much. We don’t need to turn every moment into a conversation, every problem into a lesson, or every decision into a negotiation.

So before jumping in, ask yourself: Does my child actually need me to do something here? Or can I give them a little space to figure this out?

Doing less isn’t disengaged parenting. It’s about recognizing when your child needs your help and when they need an opportunity to use their own abilities.

5. Welcome the mistakes. Yours and theirs.

Mistakes are inevitable. Your child will make them and you will make them. Again and again. And that’s not a sign that something is going wrong. It’s part of how we learn, grow, and develop.

Of course, nobody likes making mistakes, and we certainly don’t like watching our children make them. But here’s what I want you to remember: Mistakes aren’t the opposite of growth. They’re often how growth happens.

As long as we’re willing to reflect on them and learn from them.

You will have moments when you react instead of respond. When you say too much, push too hard, lose your patience, or make a decision you later reconsider. Your child will have moments when they make poor choices, misjudge a situation, say something hurtful, or act without thinking.

• Instead of getting stuck on who was right and who was wrong, try getting curious about what happened.
• Instead of trying to “win” the fight, recognize you’re both on the same team.
• Instead of leaning into judgment or shame, lean into connection and leadership.
• Instead of getting bogged down in your own guilt, use it to propel you forward and continue growing.

Remember, you’re not just raising a child who is learning and developing. You’re also learning and developing as a parent at the very same time.

There will be thousands of moments when no one gets it quite right. That’s okay. You can revisit a conversation. You can apologize. You can repair. You can change your mind. You can try again.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent who always knows what to do or has the perfect response. They need someone who loves them, sees them, supports them, and is willing to keep learning and growing alongside them.

You don’t have to get all five right.

You don’t have to master all five at once. Pick the one that felt most true for you today and start there. Some days you’ll lean into it with confidence. Other days you’ll realize, halfway through a hard moment, that you did the exact opposite. All of that belongs. That’s what learning alongside your child looks like.

If you want to keep going, my book, You Are the Parent, goes much deeper into these ideas, and my courses turn them into a plan for your child’s age and stage.

Quick Answers

What is the best parenting advice for new parents?

Start by trusting yourself. You don’t need every answer to be the right parent for your child. From there, the advice I give every family is the same: let your child feel discomfort with your support, honor feelings while holding limits, do less than you think, and welcome mistakes on both sides.

Should I let my child be uncomfortable or upset?

Yes. Once your child is past the baby stage, small doses of frustration, disappointment, and waiting are how they learn they can handle hard feelings. Your role is to stay close and steady, not to make the feeling go away. That is how frustration tolerance is built.

Can I validate my child’s feelings and still say no?

Yes, and you should. Validation means letting your child know their feeling makes sense. It does not mean changing the outcome. “You’re so angry. You can be angry. You cannot hit.” Both halves of that message matter, and your child needs to hear both.