The Power of Doing Less

By Dr. Siggie Cohen, PhD on .
Anxiety, Parenting Advice

I’ve been counseling parents for years, and one of the things I share that surprises them the most is this:

Most parents need to do less.

Almost every time, I get the same responses:
A puzzled look: β€œLess? What do you mean?”
A nervous laugh: β€œHow? I’m barely holding things together as it is…”
Or genuine panic: β€œIf I do less, won’t everything fall apart?”

I completely understand these responses.

If you look around the world today, you’ll likely hear a very different message. You’ll see endless tips, endless corrections, endless β€œmusts”, and endless contradictions. And with all that noise, it’s no wonder parents begin zigzagging between techniques, trying something new every week.

They are then left feeling exhausted and constantly worried that they’re not doing enough. The internal monologue quickly becomes relentless:

Did I say the right thing?
Did I validate enough?
Did I set the boundary correctly?
Did I stay calm enough?
Am I giving too much? Too little?

It’s no wonder most of the parents I talk to feel so overwhelmed.

So today, I want to share the truth that I’ve learned over decades of working with families:

Parenting improves when you do less, not more.

Not less love. Not less presence. Not less care.

Less over-parenting.

Less trying to β€œfix” each moment, manage every emotion, or perfect every response.

Less Explaining β†’ More Clarity

Most parents explain too much.
It’s common to think: β€œIf I just explain it better, they’ll understand and cooperate.”
But for children, long explanations often create confusion, confusion creates pushback, and pushback leads to power struggles.

Remember that so much of your explanations are based on logic and rationale while so much of your child’s resistance is based on their subjective feelings.

It’s almost like you’re speaking 2 different languages.

Children don’t need a running commentary of explanations. They don’t need a debate partner. They need clear guidance and direction.

You can think of it as the difference between: You can’t have any more dessert tonight. It’s not healthy… You already had too much sugar today… It’s bad for your body… We already brushed your teeth… Don’t you want to be healthy?Β  And on and on.

And: You can’t have any more dessert tonight. We already had one and that’s enough for today. I know you want more, I understand it’s disappointing. No more for tonight.

Doing less explaining actually helps your child listen more.

Less Reassurance β†’ More Confidence

Especially for anxious kids.

This is always a surprising one for parents. When a child is anxious or worried, our instinct is to soothe them with reassurance:
β€œYou’re okay.”
β€œDon’t worry.”
β€œIt will be fine.”

And while those words are meant to comfort, repeated reassurance does’t reduce anxiety, it reinforces it. It buildsΒ helplessness, not confidence.

Over time, constant reassurance unintentionally teaches your child, β€œI can’t feel safe unless someone else tells me I’m safe.”

Of course your child needs your support. But there’s a critical transition every child must make from relying only on your reassurance to beginning to rely on themselves. The more they look to you for every answer or emotional reset, the less they learn to trust their own ability to handle discomfort.

When you begin to step back – gently and intentionally – your child begins to step up. They learn to find confidence and safety within themselves.

It’s the shift from: β€œWait.. can I do this??”
to: β€œI can handle this!”

Less reassurance doesn’t mean less love. It means helping your child build something even more powerful: self-trust. Learn exactly how to support that shift with calm, practical tools, without pushing your child too far or leaving them to figure it out alone.

Doing less reassurance teaches children to build and trust in their own coping abilities.

Less Fixing β†’ More Resilience

Parents fix things out of love, of course. We want our children to succeed, to be happy, and to avoid pain and struggle.

So when they forget their water bottle, we run it to school. When they can’t figure something out, we jump in. When they’re uncomfortable, we try to soothe, smooth, and solve. And while these responses are loving, they also send the message: β€œYou’re not capable on your own.”

Over time, too much fixing can actually get in the way of the very skills we want our children to develop:

  • problem-solving
  • building frustration tolerance
  • developing internal motivation
  • growing emotional resilience

Doing less fixing doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means doing differently.

It means pausing before you jump in, letting them struggle a little, while you offer calm support, not immediate solutions. It means shifting from rescuing to guiding.

Doing less fixing helps children build essential life skills.

I can go on an on πŸ™‚

Less Accommodating β†’ More Flexibility
Less Punishing β†’ More Cooperation
Less Rewarding β†’ More Internal Motivation
Less Negotiating β†’ More Regulation

I can even make a case for less validation.

Validation is essential. It is a core part of emotional safety. But over-validating unintentionally becomes accommodation so quickly we often don’t even realize it’s happening. And when every feeling is spotlighted in a way where the world stops until that feeling passes, the message your child receives is: β€œMy feelings are too big to handle.”

Children need our authentic empathy, yes. But they also need boundaries, structure, and coping skills just as much as they need understanding. They need guidance that says:

β€œYou can feel this, absolutely.
But you can also contain it (eventually!) and keep going.”

Doing Less Doesn’t Mean Doing Nothing

Doing less does not mean:

  • being permissive
  • being uninvolved
  • ignoring problems
  • dismissing feelings
  • giving up
  • letting children β€œrule the house”

No. Doing less means simplifying your parenting so your presence becomes stronger, calmer, and more effective. It’s intentional and purposeful. Because when you try to do everything, you overwhelm both yourself and your child.

So yes, doing less isn’t just allowed. It’s essential.

β€œOkay… but how do I actually do less?” This is the question I hear from parents all the time. Doing less sounds wonderful, but without the right tools, it can feel impossible. That’s exactly why I created my courses. Each one teaches you exactly how to step back from over-doing and become more grounded, confident, and effective.

Because β€œdoing less” only works when you know what to do instead.

Here’s where to start depending on your child’s age and challenges:

If your toddler’s tantrums, hitting, throwing, or overwhelm feel like β€œtoo much”…

➑️ That’s the Everything Toddler Course.
It teaches you how to stay calm, set meaningful boundaries, and guide behavior without over-explaining, over-fixing, or overreacting.

If your 3–7-year-old is suddenly negotiating everything, pushing buttons, melting down, or showing big new behaviors…

➑️ That’s the Everything 3–7 Course.
You’ll learn how to stop lecturing and over-guiding and instead respond with clarity and connection.

If your children constantly fight, tattle, argue, compete, or pull you into their conflicts…

➑️ That’s the Everything Siblings Course.
It shows you how to step out of the referee role, take fewer sides, and help them build real problem-solving and connection skills.

If your child is anxious, clingy, fearful, perfectionistic, or constantly seeking reassurance…

➑️ That’s the Everything Anxiety Course.
You’ll learn how to do less reassuring (which fuels anxiety) and build more inner strength, coping skills, and self-trust.

Parenting becomes lighter, calmer, and clearer when you stop doing so much of what doesn’t work and start doing more of what does.

My Parenting Courses